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movie review; GRINDHOUSE: Planet Terror! (2007)
celeb] emilie
syrainator
I was going to review this one in Finnish just for the fun's sake, but then I realized this movie abso-fucking-lutely (note how cleverly I'm borrowing Sex and the City, eh?) deserves to be reviewed in English (though I might go for a Finnish one later, too - we'll see) to ensure a large variety of emphasizing curse words for me to use and so, here we are.

Spoilers will be UNDER the cut so until the specific SPOILER warning, you should be safe -although, if you haven't seen this movie, I might come after you with a big-ass weapon so your safety, so to speak, is in that case, quite questionable- then again, I'm the one who still hasn't seen Tarantino's DEATH PROOF so perhaps I ought to keep my judgments to myself... I am going to watch it, though! I've already got it in store, just figured I might as well write this review first. Now that I'm thinking of it, of course, it probably would have been a better idea to watch the other one first so that I could compare and all that jazz, but, like, whatever.

->GRINDHOUSE<-
PLANET TERROR (2007)

directed by Robert Rodriguez

"After an experimental bio-weapon is released, turning thousands into zombie-like creatures, it's up to a rag-tag group of survivors to stop the infected and those behind its release."

The amazing cast includes Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodríguez, Josh Brolin, Marley Shelton, Jeff Fahey, Michael Biehn with Bruce Willis and Quentin Tarantino on the side.

(source)


Um, okay. As far as my spoiler-free review goes, I can't really say much (it's one of those movies, what can I say?) other than that if

a) you're into pointless gun blasting (with, admittedly, a bit of a plot),
b) find either Rose or Freddy incredible sexy (the way I've learned to view Rose),
c) enjoy down-right awesome (it's hard to describe, we'll get to that later!) dialogue delivered in especially awesome manner/s by one awesome cast,
d) get a kick out all sorts of zombie-flicks and more importantly
e) don't mind over-the-top scenes that break the laws of physics like only MATRIX is allowed to, then--

SURE, I can promise you'll love this one! If you, however, are one of those who can't take a joke and who wants her (or his) movies to be all logical and balanced and, you know, boring (in a sense that machine guns need to be loaded and triggers need to be pulled in order for them to fire {that's like so last season?}), you probably won't want to see this one... just saying.

Seriously speaking, this movie just isn't meant to be taken seriously, at all, and as such it offers, not only a cute and adorable love story that had me hooked since it was revealed, but lots and lots of other more or less excellent plot twists that you either saw coming or didn't... luckily, with this movie, it doesn't matter either way; it's still oh-so Fun. You just gotta give it a chance ('sides, if ya dun, the big bad Machete will come 'n' whoop yar arse!)

SPOILER WARNING

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NOTES (which will, most likely, be in very random order 'cause I'm just not that good when it comes to linear timelines - oops?):

1 :: The opening sequence. This wasn't my first time watching the movie, so I knew what to expect, but I remember my confusion the first time around. The movie begins with a fake trailer for MACHETE
Rodriguez wrote Machete in 1993 as a full feature for Danny Trejo. "I had cast him in Desperado and I remember thinking, 'Wow, this guy should have his own series of Mexploitation movies like Charles Bronson or like Jean-Claude Van Damme.' So I wrote him this idea of a federale from Mexico who gets hired to do hatchet jobs in the U.S. I had heard sometimes FBI or DEA have a really tough job that they don't want to get their own agents killed on, they'll hire an agent from Mexico to come do the job for $25,000. I thought, 'That's Machete. He would come and do a really dangerous job for a lot of money to him but for everyone else over here it's peanuts.' But I never got around to making it." The trailer was made into a feature film and released in September 2010.
which made me go "what the hell?" and my boyfriend "fucking hell, what's this? One of YOUR kind of movies again, I take it?" I ignored him and continued watching because when it's Rodriguez, you have to be ready for anything... BACK TO THE POINT: oh, the trailer, it's just.. so cool - for three reasons.

one) Danny Trejo as Machete - I feel you never get to see Danny in lead roles so the whole (at that point, imaginary) concept of such movie made me go all WOOHOOO - and when I learned it was, in fact, a fake trailer I nearly cried. My life got complicated when I read that in fact, it was a fake trailer THEN, but isn't anymore and that there's also Michelle Rodriguez and Jessica Alba --- NOW I JUST HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE, damnit.

two) Cheech Marin as Padre amused the living crap out of me in the trailer, seriously. "God has mercy, I don't!"

and then, number three) Well. I've no solid number three. But the trailer's about another gun-blasting-action-movie with people getting their asses kicked so, yeah, right up my alley! No wait, I have number three! Apart from the obvious two, who else would dare to start a movie (or an episode or whatever) with a fake trailer like this? It was something I'd never seen before and that alone made the whole experience so much better. I have to admit I wouldn't wanna see this to become a new popular movie feature because that would take the magic away but with this movie it works pretty damn perfectly.

2 :: Let's move onto Rose McGowan seeing as she's the actual lead character here instead of Trejo. Ever since CHARMED I've sort of hated this woman and every character of hers, but PLANET TERROR changed that for me. Suddenly there wasn't that stupid, idiotic, dumbass witch with a ridiculous smirk in front of my eyes anymore, but there was this hot, sexy go-go dancer (not a stripper because hey, you heard her, "there's a difference!") with a kick-ass attitude who cries, albeit silently, on stage while/after dancing with a freakin' pole. How was that NOT hot, in every level? Okay, I hated the outfit, but otherwise, she managed to put such emotion to those tears (whereas in the end when her love interest, um, isn't feeling all that good, her crying sounds so wrong and fake) that her face said it all. Loved the scene. It proved (at least to me) that Rose isn't as horrible actress as I had imagined her to be though someone else might disagree. I don't care, honestly.

Also, I really enjoyed the whole 'quitting' scene and Cherry's conversation with her boss. It was deliciously snarky and witty and therefore just the kind of dialogue that I value. Cherry's "Here's my finger!" was priceless, methinks.

3 :: Bruce Willis. I don't think anyone else can do the stoic bad-ass face (stare vs ogle?) and act as brilliantly as Willis. Um, no, I'm not kidding. I happen to love this man. I think I've seen too many of his movies when I was younger (THE FIFTH ELEMENT was one of those unfortunate movies to define my taste in men, after all) so I don't know how to be objective when it comes to him.

4 :: One of the reasons I love this movie so much is that in its awesomeness it's so gross, disturbing and disgusting that it actually manages to make sick to my stomach, literally. Sadly, I didn't get much out of the scene with Lt. Muldoon, Abby and the horrific thropy balls (which I'm sure were meant to be hilarious) - other than that sick to my stomach -vibe and as expected, that was enough to make me watch the scene through my fingers. Seriously disgusting. Usually I love disgusting, but this time it was just... not that good. Maybe because there was no smokin' hot El Wray?

5 :: I did, however, enjoy the transition from that scene (the car driving on the bridge, was it? With a guy on top of it?) to BONE SHACK. It caught my eye and I thought it was kind of genius. And now that I remember it, the movie had at least one other great transition that I totally loved (other than the MISSING REEL which I'll focus on a bit later) but I can't remember what it was... I think it was the sink/faucet transition back to Cherry after her little accident, pulling gross-looking stuff out of her leg throwing curse words to the air. Anyway.

6 :: But. What the fuck? Someone please explain to me why the hell Fergie (who can't act for shit, obviously), of all people, was in this movie? Oh, wait, look at her clothes and the cleavage -- NOW I know why she was there *crumble*. I would've honestly rather watched Paris Hilton than her (which is why I'm extremely glad she died!) Okay, fine, the whole concept of Dr. Dakota Block's ex-lover was in itself really cool. The first time I watched the movie, I had this tingling thought at the back of my mind going, "is this is what I think it is?" but the secret affair of a sort still managed to surprise me - it shouldn't have, but yet, it did. I was prepared for subtext but not to this kind, haha. I also loved the way it was revealed to us by Mister Block himself (without giving us any exact info concerning their history!). What a jackass, right?

And, now that we're on the subject of jackasses... who else thought it was incredibly stupid of him to peek into the room where, supposedly, his CLEARLY infected friend was having his arm amputated? It's not like he cared to be there to support him earlier so, I mean, if it was me in a hospital full of blood-thirsty INFECTED maniacs killing and eating everyone off, seeing a bloodied curtain would certainly make run hell of a lot faster to the OPPOSITE direction instead of PEEKING INTO THE FUCKING ROOM? Let's not even mention the fact he even then WOULD. NOT. RUN. but rather, he just BACKED AWAY TO A WALL AND STOOD THERE WAITING TO BE EATEN. Deputy Tolo (tollo is dumbass in Finnish, btw), obviously, wasn't the only dumbass here.

7 :: Cherry Darling and El Wray meeting again for the first time in a long while, the whole awkwardness of the situation, their history, the stolen jacket (I thought it was a brilliant addition *giggles*) and

El Wray: The jacket belonged to me, you didn't.

Cherry Darling: Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it 'cause I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time!

El Wray: So what are you going to do now?
Cherry Darling: I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.
El Wray: You're not funny.
Cherry Darling: That's what I keep trying to tell everybody but they all say I'm hilarious.
El Wray: But you're not.
Cherry Darling: There's a difference between being frank... and being dick.

--- what's there not to love? I'm the kind of action-horror-drama-comedy-whatever-flick-girl who always needs a dash of romance (or otherwise X-rated stuff, as in, smut) to keep me interested. I for one I love/d every second of these two together. I don't know if it was because the actors had chemistry (I think they did) or because the set-up for their romance was such a cool one to begin with. Probably a bit of both. Or it could have been the greatly written dialogue, too, because their lines entertained me immensely. Plus, there's the whole Freddy Rodriguez being so freakin' hot and all. I mean, did YOU even see the scene with him and the knives ('cause the stupid sheriff -wait, I take that back, it's against the law to call Biehn stupid!) and the awesome wall-flip at the hospital? This is me, drooling.

But, seriously speaking, I really loved the relationship between Cherry and FrankWray. Everything in his behavior clearly told us she was his first priority till the bitter end.

One of the best moments for me, was (apart from Cherry's quite awesome method of hiding 'cause come on, hiding underneath the sheets in SORT of plain sight is rather ingenious - if she'd been Fergie, she'd probably just been staring (or squealing) and WAITING for certain death right there not SORT OF, but completely, in plain sight like a true idiot) the moment Wray found Cherry.

The way he looked at the boot from across the hallway and the worried look on his face was pretty awesome too, but what I mean is the way he assumed Cherry could do it:

El Wray: Get up. We're leaving.
Cherry Darling: I can't walk.
El Wray: So what? Get up!
Cherry Darling: Motherfucker! Look at me!
[removes blanket to reveal her missing leg]
Cherry Darling: Look at me! I was gonna be a stand-up comedian! Who's gonna laugh now?
El Wray: Some of the best jokes are about cripples. Let's go.
Cherry Darling: It's not funny. I'm pathetic.
El Wray: Would you stop crying over fucking spilt milk?
Cherry Darling: I have no leg!
[looking frustrated, El Wray rips off a wooden table leg and shoves it in Cherry's stump]
El Wray: Now you do. What do you think?

For one, I'm a sucker for movies full of curse words and secondly, that whole scene was simply COOL. The way he doesn't let her be weak 'cause he knows, for sure, that she can do it - and the way they both deliver their lines; Rose's frustrated and angry act opposed to Freddy's equally frustrated, but also annoyed act - hah, love the contrast (and his faith/belief in her)!

Cherry Darling: Why do you have to be so mean?
El Wray: Just, just do me a favor, alright? Stay strong.
Cherry Darling: Stay?
El Wray: Yeah, baby. Stay.

The line that, besides the one above (I went AWWWWW on that, I did), describes their awesomeness the best would be

Cherry Darling: You could carry me, Wray.
El Wray: You never wanted that before. Why start now?

So simple, yet it says just about everything. What makes Wray so totally lovable, in my opinion, is that he'll do anything to protect the girl he loves (you saw him bringing her to the hospital and demanding the doctor to save her, "you can't let her die!" as if the guy could perform miracles when ordered to), but he's also man enough to let her take part in the fight, too (because he believes in her, hah!).

Cherry Darling: I broke my leg.
El Wray: That's okay,
[pulls her broken wooden leg off]
El Wray: I made you something.
[installs the Machine Gun leg]
El Wray: I DO believe in you, always have. I believe you could be better. You deserve better, even better than me. Right now, I need you to become who you were meant to be. Stand!

I would've been much happier had they NOT killed him, but on the other hand, him dying to save her -or rather, while trying to save/help her- only proves how much loved he had for this spunky woman. It also gave us one of the best lines in the movie "I never miss" (and he's not even lying because we SAW him shoot all those zombie-alike-creatures when Cherry (because she's got attitude unlike what's-his-name-Skip) was going for the truck. Loved the double-meaning.

Though his death made me all depressed the first time, the second time it made sense and I have to admit it ("two against the world") worked.

Oh and, the scene in which Cherry gets on the bike and Wray tells her "the other way" -- that made me chuckle.

I mean, that was just loaded with (sexual, yummie) tension!

Honestly, I could go on and on and on and on and on about these two together (and I probably will, later), but because you already know I loved every moment they shared, I'm gonna stop for now (I can't promise I won't praise Freddy and the knives/guns, though because---
---as you can see, they were quite hot. Did you notice how Wray was practically having eye-sex with those two beautiful things after THE MISSING REEL, when he finally got some weapons with permission from the sheriff? He totally was :D and I thought it was worth mentioning!)

8 :: So to skip quoting every conversation of those two mentioned above, let us move onto Dakota Block aka Marley Shelton aka

the crazy bitch. I had a few issues with this character, actually. Don't get me wrong, I loved Shelton's performance and she, from time to time, reminded me of Uma Thurman (yeah, KILL BILL anyone?) and the second time I watched the movie, I had to -once again- hide behind my fingers when the scene in the picture took place. I knew what was coming, even the first time around ('cause my spidey-sense told me so), but this time I just could not force myself to watch the thing again --- there's something seriously DISGUSTING about the way her wrist gets twisted broken. Also, it could be her performance. It looked (felt) so goddamn real!

However, my issues with Mrs. Block are many.

1) She's having an affair with Fergie. Seriously. FERGIE?!
2) She's married this possessive psychopath, has not left his bossy ass and worse yet, she's helped him BREED. Just WHAT the hell?
3) She's being threatened by her husband, assaulted even, and when a guy comes to the doorway - she doesn't say anything. Honestly. She does. not. say. a. word.
4) She doesn't take the high heels off though every woman who's ever seen a single horror movie knows they'll be the death of you.
5) She gives a gun to her son. That's just wrong. Also, the part where she tells the kid to shoot his own father, VERY wrong. Even though she's totally right, just THINK of the trauma... shoot the man yourself, bitch. And before you do that, TAKE THE KID WITH YOU. And on top of everything, she had to go and make the mistake of TELLING him he'd end up blowing his brains out -- because we all know that when you say something like that, it usually happens, too.

Although, okay, the aftermath of the shooting did make a great scene -- she holding a dead kid at her father's door with the man making it clear he'd made it known he never wants to see her again. I found her "DADDY!" line (with all the brain-eating-maniacs getting closer) insanely funny and it fit the movie's mood oh-so-perfectly, but still, it was so cruel of them to waste the kid like that!

Another line I loved was Daddy saying, (after shooting Block) how "never did like that son of a bitch. About as useless as a pecker on a pope". Heh, good one :D

I would've survived even if Mrs. and Mr. Block had not been in the movie... somehow I didn't much feel for either of these characters. Instead, I would've loved to see more of JT and his brother (how heartbreaking are these two, seriously?) :D

9 :: One of the (other) things that I liked were the god-annoying babysitting twins

That picture pretty much sums it up. If that isn't hilarious, then I don't know what is. Besides, their bickering in the helicopter -- FUNNY. Have to say, I wouldn't let kids like that babysit mine, not ever, unless I knew a crazy zombie-attack was on its way (in that case, I'd be happy to leave my kid with them 'cause they'd totally kick ass!).

9 :: The "Missing Reel – apologies from management” for me, was such an awesome moment. Okay, sure, some have said it was the easiest way out for Rodriguez and therefore a lame plot twist - with the missing reel, he could forget all about a lot of things, including character development as well as giving us Wray's history and blah blah but personally, I don't think we needed to see/hear any of that anyways... it would've been rather irrelevant, considering everything. I was glad to go from steamin' SMUT to smokin' ACTION in a matter of seconds. You gotta admit, in its on way, the MISSING REEL was a lot better choice than, let's say, simply "skipping" to the action without any kind of explanations. Missing reel, you know, IS an explanation if you think about it XD

10 :: Okay, I know I already gushed over Wray/Cherry (a lot), but let us praise Freddy for a moment here. There's no other man who can pull off killing ugly looking monsters while RIDING A FREAKIN' MINI BIKE. Seriously. Well, maybe Jack Baeur could, but still.
And while being hot, it was extremely funny, as it was supposed to be, and made the whole thing so much better than if he'd been riding with Cherry (also, this way all the guys got to drool over Dakota/Cherry image because I swear, Dakota totally wanted her - not that you can blame her, right?). I don't know, there's just something about Freddy in this one that floats my boat. It could, partly, be the character because he's like the definition of a dream-guy, so. His awkwardness is cute.

11 :: The useless talents? They were kinda nice touch, though a bit predictable in the end. The whole scene with Dakota telling our main girl that her girlfriend had a theory. She said at some point in your life, you find a use for every useless talent you ever had. It's like connecting the dots. At that point, you kinda knew we'd see "Useless talent number 66" VERY SOON and haha, quite the use she found for it, too XD

12 :: There were quite a lot of funny moments in PLANET TERROR so it's utterly pointless for me to try and capture them all. What I didn't find all that funny, though, was Quention Tarantino which is weird, I know. I loved him in ALIAS, being all psychotic, but when it's the only role he can play (or wants to play. Correction. Wants to TRY and play) it gets boring... Okay, the huge, melting penis scene was funny -the first time you saw it- but the second time, it just didn't make me laugh anymore. It had me gagging. Him pointing out he's never seen a one-legged stripper? That, I admit, had me chuckling.

But hey, if I gotta say something positive about the whole Rapist-deal, it's that at least it forced Mrs. Whiney Block to grow that pair. I'm totally ignoring the fact she had her hands immobilized earlier and it was only now that she seemed to regain the control over them... PFT, little details.

13 :: The language! I loved the harsh cursing and
El Wray: I like the way you say 'fuck'.
Cherry Darling: Good. Fuck you.

14 :: I'm pretty sure I forgot a shit load of things that I was supposed to mention, but perhaps this is long enough already XD

SO. All in all this movie is a total package of 5/5 (but only if you can look past the irrational, unrealistic stuff and have a feast upon the silly) - it entertained, had me laughing and better yet, GUESSING how it would go down. You kinda knew what would happen, but at the same time, you just couldn't be sure.

Sooooo.... opinions?

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I'm so in love with this movie. Rose McGowan has never really been a big favourite of mine, but she really shone in this movie (No wonder ex-boyfriend Robert Rodriguez tried to get her to do more of these - only the studios didn't fancy her as Red Sonja or Barbarella, those fuckers). Her chemistry with Freddy Rodriguez (why is everyone cool named Rodriguez?) is amazing. Also this has a pretty stellar cast with the small parts too: Josh Brolin as the psycho doctor Block, Michal Biehn as the sheriff and Jeff Fahey as the hamburger cook. Man Fahey was so funny in this.

But yeah, this really plays out like my kind of romantic movie (others would be Heathers, True Romance, you know, the good stuff ;)). I love the dialogue and B-movie plot about zombies and female empowerment. The soundtrack is wicked, as Rodriguez's tunes always are. The action is over the top, but very entertaining.

TOP 5 moments:

1. Cherry's go go dance in the beginning of the movie. Hot. Troubled. Sexy.
2. Cherry/Wray sex scene. One of the hottest sex scenes I've seen. A total Terminator homage, but it's even better imho.
3. Cherry's dance of death with the machine gun leg. Seriously. It's just so over the top and funny.
4. The ring in the jacket. The entire scene leading up to the sex scene. Their dialogue is just gold. The whole: 'I like the way you say fuck'. Well, I love the way they say fuck. ♥
5. Dakota's kid shoots himself in the head. Kids never die in these movies and they're not supposed to have realism here, but that's exactly what would happen!!!

Easily one of my favourite movies in the recent years. Also my favourite Robert Rodriguez movie. Followed by From Dusk Till Dawn (for a good Tarantino performance), Desperado (another wicked love story) & Sin City (the one that has a stripper that doesn't strip - thanks a lot Alba).

When looked at that way, number 5 (kid's death) really is a nice one... as said, quite realistic in a ridiculously unrealistic movie. Thanks for pointing that one out, didn't even cross my mind! I think it's mainly because of my work, I hate to see kids get hurt (another thing is animals, especially horses when they fall. I cannot see how the could fake that without hurting the horse, sniff). Then again, I've ALWAYS hated seeing them get hurt, so, um, yeah.

The ring in the jacket; also my favorite... loved the way it was revealed ("I looked for it for two weeks" was so goddamn hilarious in this bittersweet way. Why only two weeks, though? Did he NOT realize she'd taken the jacket so he was looking for the jacket for only two weeks opposed to looking for HER for two weeks? Hmm. Anyway.) And well, I already said I love the movie for harsh language but that scene with the "fuck you" really made me giggle. Ah, so funny. The best thing is that Rose sounds pretty damn good when cursing. Not every girl can pull it off (imagine Alba trying to do the infamous Boondocks Saints line. I just can't see it happening, you know?!)

And those three movies you mentioned, I love them too, obviously - though for whatever reason, Dusk Till Dawn is my least favorite of them. Probably because I fell in love with Desperato when I was A LOT younger and well, Sin City just has that something (plus Elijah Wood. I love him in that one.), besides the obvious (hot actors XD).

I do like Alba, in general

-well, as Max she proved she can rock, but the older she gets, the lamer she turns and sometimes it's hard to remember this amazing X5 who got me so hyped was INDEED Alba!?!-

but um, yeah in Sin City it feels like she's totally in the wrong movie - she's this "I won't do naked scenes, eeew!" kind of actress which is respectable in a way, but on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL is she doing, acting a stripper (who, as said, never even shows skin...) in a Rodriquez movie?! Because come on, we totally wanted to see some stripper-skin! Or, um, I did which time after another keeps shocking the BF. I like watching sexy girls, WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL? XD Not like he didn't enjoy just as much as I did watching Eliza Dushku in Dollhouse whenever she was wearing close to nothing, eh.

Juuuust saying.

Have you seen Dusk Till Dawn recently? I was actually surprised it's become so insanely good imho. The first part is like the tightest thriller with Tarantino's excellent performance and Clooney's character. It plays like a crime drama until the true nature of Titty Twister is reveleaed. I loved the tension with Clooney, Tarantino, Keitel and Lewis. Just damn good. And even when the movie takes a silly turn by introducing 'the vampires' it still has Salma Hayek doing one of the hottest stripping scenes in movie history and all of these amusing characters with Rodriguez's usual suspects: Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo & Tom Savini. It's a bull load of fun. I suggest rewatch ;D

I should totally check to see if there is Planet Terror fan fiction with Wray/Cherry. Some might actually be good ♥

Ah Alba. The only time I liked her were the Flipper/Dark Angel years. She has been dreadful in everything else since: The Eye, Sin City, Fantastic Four movies... most recently she fucked up Machete for me! Seriously, if the character demands that you stand in the shower naked, you don't stand there with your underwear on and have it removed digitally! Jesus! Also she was just insanely bad in that movie. Machete was sadly a let down. It wasn't a good B-movie like Planet Terror, but moore of a Ö-movie. Parts of it were fun and parts of it were shit.

I saw it a few years ago, actually. But you're right, re-watching might be a good idea :D I think I'd probably appreciate the humor quite differently this time around...

That's quite sad hearing Machete sucked so bad 'cause I've been planning to watch it ::sigh:: OH WELL. Perhaps I'll watch it just so that I can write a mock-review for it XD

I'm actually writing one for Death Proof at the moment... not a mock-review though 'cause oddly enough, I liked the movie better than I thought I would!! O__o

Death Proof has Kurt Russell and amazing female characters. I really love Tarantino's taste in women in this movie. Plus Zoë Bell just rocks. Our Xena stunt woman, you know?

But Planet Terror is better of the time, imho ;)

I know, hon, I know! Did stunts for Lucy, Uma and Sharon Stone. All up to date with this one, haha ;)

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